Opening to Spirit by Opening to Pain and Grief

 Many of you are aware that I have begun a year long journey with the School of the Spirit's Participating in God's Power program.  It is a program that helps to clear way - to open our hearts and souls to walking hand in hand with Spirit;  It allows us to open way to be God's eyes and ears, voice and hands as we open more and more to the guidance of Love.

This second Segment (of five) centers around "working through spiritual scar tissue and internal resistance".  Much of that scar tissue and resistance are the result of pain and grief that we carry in our lives.  My own life long journey has been heavily crisscrossed with pain and grief.  Through the scars of a mother who did not want me or love me and who tried to kill me.  Through three failed marriages that I now see I entered into because I so wanted and needed to be loved; through the death of my father, my mother, my sister, my daughter and many others who I loved.  And through so many other lesser but significant stripes across my heart.  The readings for this segment have led me into the dark corners that I often work to keep hidden until I found myself describing my condition as standing in the middle of a spiritual tornado.  I felt as if my feet were firmly on the ground and I could picture myself in a favorite standing prayer attitude with unidentifiable objects flying around me and constant strikes of lightening.  I sensed that the objects were related to my pain and that the lightening was of Spirit.

I have spent much time in silence, holding this image and asking for guidance.  Guidance came.  I heard "Find the joy".  And so I began combing through my story looking for joy - looking for some kind of balance between the pain and the joy until I finally had an awakening.  There is a prayer that I've said almost daily for the past forty-five or so years. One of the final lines is "give me only the support of your presence and the joy of your love".  And there it was!  The Joy of being in the arms of the Creator.  

The pain melted away.  I am at one again!  I lift up praise and gratitude to that which is unnameable and unknowable and the very center of my being. Amen.

Art Thou in Darkness?

 Art thou in darkness? Mind it not, for if thou dost it will feed thee more. But stand still, and act not, and wait in patience, till Light arises out of Darkness and leads thee. James Nayler (1659)

 This morning I came across a clip of Paulette Meier chanting this Nayler quote.  I wept it so spoke to my condition.

By all rights; by all logic I should not be in darkness.  Logically I know all of the 'right' things to do; to reflect on; to say. However, I must acknowledge that there is little in my Spiritual journey that has risen from logic.I know that I am not alone and never will be as Spirit is always in my midst and yet lately I find myself yearning for human connections.  

I spend many of my days with my daughter, Jessica and grandson Brady.  I am truly blessed to have them and the rest of that family in my life.  They are my touchstones.  Even though I believe I am valued within my meeting I feel isolated from friends in my daily life. There is little else.

In the midst of it, there's Nayler who stands tall as one of the Valiant Sixty and as a personal hero of mine in Quaker history who admonishes me to "stand still, and act not, and wait in patience".  I'm clear that this is not meant to be a time of inaction - at least not internally.  For me I hear it as a lifting up of a time of prayer, of quiet sitting, of asking Spirit what comes next and, above all else, of trusting Spirit, having faith that Spirit will use me and all of the experiences of my life and those that I have not yet had to lead me forward into Light; to teach me that which I need to know for Light to rise "out of Darkness" and lead me.