Art Thou in Darkness?

 Art thou in darkness? Mind it not, for if thou dost it will feed thee more. But stand still, and act not, and wait in patience, till Light arises out of Darkness and leads thee. James Nayler (1659)

 This morning I came across a clip of Paulette Meier chanting this Nayler quote.  I wept it so spoke to my condition.

By all rights; by all logic I should not be in darkness.  Logically I know all of the 'right' things to do; to reflect on; to say. However, I must acknowledge that there is little in my Spiritual journey that has risen from logic.I know that I am not alone and never will be as Spirit is always in my midst and yet lately I find myself yearning for human connections.  

I spend many of my days with my daughter, Jessica and grandson Brady.  I am truly blessed to have them and the rest of that family in my life.  They are my touchstones.  Even though I believe I am valued within my meeting I feel isolated from friends in my daily life. There is little else.

In the midst of it, there's Nayler who stands tall as one of the Valiant Sixty and as a personal hero of mine in Quaker history who admonishes me to "stand still, and act not, and wait in patience".  I'm clear that this is not meant to be a time of inaction - at least not internally.  For me I hear it as a lifting up of a time of prayer, of quiet sitting, of asking Spirit what comes next and, above all else, of trusting Spirit, having faith that Spirit will use me and all of the experiences of my life and those that I have not yet had to lead me forward into Light; to teach me that which I need to know for Light to rise "out of Darkness" and lead me.

 

 

The Pot has been Stirred

 The metaphor that occurs to me is that of  preparing cooked pudding.  When all of the ingredients for the pudding are in the pot it goes on the stove top and you stir, and stir, and stir some more.  As the pudding nears completion it thickens and becomes a rich, thick, and very delicious liquid.  It begins to boil under the surface.  If you stop stirring the pudding begins to boil with large pops and spurts.  I've never seen a lava spout rise up out of the ground, but I suspect this looks like a mini eruption.  

What does pudding have to do with spiritual life?  It feels to me as if as long as we keep ourselves busy (stirring the pot in this metaphor) that our lives just keep putting along without leaving much time for the movement of Spirit.  When we stop stirring and sit quietly, listening, praying, Spirit has the opportunity to bubble up within us; to grab our attention; and to feed us in ways that we had not yet recognized needed to be fed.

Since coming home from the first School of the Spirit's Participating in God's Power (SOTS PGP) residency, there has been much bubbling up.  The call to ministry that has been with me for forty some years has never left me and I am reminded of that.  Perhaps, then, it should not come as a surprise to me that a strong tug toward the work of chaplaincy has re-emerged.  My years of serving the men at New York State's Eastern Correctional Facility as their outside facilitator for the Quaker Worship Group there and serving that group as Spiritual Director bubble up.  To what end?  Time will tell.  Things are turning.

Simple Gifts - a Quaker/Shaker hymn

Tis a gift to be simple, ’tis a gift to be free
’tis a gift to come down where you ought to be
And when we find ourselves in the place just right
‘Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gained
To bow and to bend we shall not be ashamed
To turn, turn will be our delight
‘Till by turning, turning we come round right.

Participating in "Participating in God's Power"

Participating in God's Power. The name itself feels somewhat intimidating unless your personal faith, your belief, your heart and soul, takes you to a place of believing that God, Spirit, Creator, Yahweh, is within.  If you believe that, you are always a participant in God's power. That is where my belief takes me and so, here I am.  It's day three and I'm forced to acknowledge that there maybe more to my being here than I thought there was.

Participating in God's Power is a year long program designed to lead a group of selected participants; a cohort, through a year long process of study, reflection, and various exercises designed to deepen spirituality; to deepen one's relationship with spirit, to deepen ones sense of Knowing.  There are five residencies and multiple other meetings throughout the year.

But what am I doing here?  What drew me here?  For me, there is only one answer.  Spirit led me here. My work in the country of Georgia has come to an end.  I felt clear that, even though my part in that work was complete, my work in the world is not done.  The Leading to the work of Peacemaking remains strong within me and tugs harder and harder on my heart to do something!  All that is well and good, but what is that work? Affirmation of my participation in the program came as I began to feel the tug to  be here: first from my support committee, then my application was accepted and a grant that I'd applied for to help pay for the program was approved, then through contributions from friends from various places in my life the balance of the funds for the course appeared as well as enough money to help with the purchase of the required books and the cost of travel.  In my life, when things fall together in this way, I feel the hand of Creator at work.

The first residency began this Friday (2/15/24) at Pendle Hill, in Pennsylvania.   It's now Saturday.  Already I feel my inner world is shifting.  I am being challenged mightily by an underlying sense that the strong leading that brought me here may not only be about the next steps for my work as a Peacemaker but may also have to do with healing my internal wounds so that I can be a better Peacemaker; a better lover to the world.

Mother's Day

Our Relationships with our Mothers differs greatly between each child, each sibling, each family and the next.  When others share how wonderful Moms are and share their belief that all Moms should be lifted up as role models, all Moms love their children unconditionally, I shudder.  I grew up in a household where I was unloved by my mother and unwanted.  I was absolutely clear that was true from a very young age.  My mother later affirmed it. I don't know how much this harmful, hurtful relationship with my mother colored my ability to mother my own children.   I love each of my three daughters unconditionally. Each one was deeply wanted.  I worked hard to be a good mother.  Here's how that turned out.  Of my three daughters, I have a wonderful relationship with my youngest daughter and her family.  My second-born died by suicide in 2016 when she was thirty-four years old.  My eldest daughter has chosen not to see me or to speak to me for the last five years - She will not share with me why.

I share these things not because I want you to feel sorry for me in any way, rather, because for those of us that carry deep wounds around mothering, Mother's Day can be an extremely painful time.  The loss of a child, no matter what the reason may be, leaves a hole in your being.  The desire to have a child that cannot be fulfilled rends a deep longing pain.   It's a time when women may simply withdraw or hide the pain that they carry deep within.  This brief  writing is a plea to everyone, everywhere, to acknowledge the pain of others even while celebrating the joy.  May this holiday be a blessed time of listening, healing, and joy.

Blessings

 This trip to Sakartvelo was not what I had expected it to be.  It was not what I had hoped for, and yet, there are blessings.

I am blessed to have reconnected, face to face, with my dear F/friend Misha.  I am blessed to have connected with Act for Transformation's Inga Shumagia, Executive Director of the organization's Caucuses office.  She is smart and focused and she is able to envision a clear path forward.  Alena Kemm works with many groups that partner with Act for Transformation doing trainings primarily with the Fairtogether program.  This program is an adaptation of the Alternatives to Violence Project used primarily with younger people to great success.

On this trip, I was able to make a connection for Act for Transformation with a US Embassy officer who came to the Act for Transformation offices, met the staff, heard the stories, and was visibly impressed.  He encouraged Inga and Alena to invite others from the embassy and to request much needed funds.

I had been asked if I would give a lecture on a topic of my choosing on the Monday of my second week in Tbilisi.  I chose to speak on Peacemaking in Today's World.  I'm not sure just where that topic came from but it gave me good opportunity to reflect on the state of the world and the role that we each can play as peacemakers.   It was a small group of like minded peacemakers that attended and so I decided to abbreviate my remarks and to ask those present for their thoughts and concerns.  It became a deep and wonderful conversation. A true blessing!

 I am blessed to have been in contact with both Ukrainian refugees and Russian Conscientious Objectors.  Learning a bit about their struggles, hearing their stories brings a searing reality to their plight.  I think for me, in my leading as a peacemaker, this is a blessing and a challenge.  As I step into the work of peacemaking my heart is cracked open again and again as I find myself confronted with more than I feel I can possibly hold.  There is often a point at which my heart feels as if it will burst with both a love for these people and from the pain that I now carry within as their plight becomes real to me.  It means acknowledging over and over again that the work that I am given, the work that I attempt to do, comes from Spirit.  When it is clearly Spirit that calls me into work, I must trust that I will be given whatever gifts I need to carry the work.  This is a truth that I find myself needing to learn over and over again.

One final story - As Misha and I prepared to leave a meeting with Ukrainian refugees and older gentleman asked (through a translator) what my heritage is.  I was slightly taken aback but shared that my mother was of mixed European descent and that my father's family were Ashkenazi Jews from Odessa.  He grinned broadly and said that he'd known it.  I've only known my father's heritage for a couple of years.  There was something in that acknowledgement that brought me to tears.  It felt almost like coming home.

The work that I had planned to do during this trip eluded me.  There were moments of frustration and self doubt.  But as I reflect back I see the blessings that I have brought home and the blessings that Spirit has allowed me to leave in Sakartvelo and  I am grateful.

Reflections...

 It is early days to  know all of the implications of my time in Sakartvelo (the ancient name for Georgia). Differences rise for me first.  A sense of tension as I walk among residents of the city.  A recognition of different ethnicities - Georgian, Russian, Ukrainian and the confluence of multiple languages.  People seem just a bit less at ease, just a bit less helpful and open.  There is so much need for peacemaking in the midst of this.

I had hoped to find the Alternatives to Violence Project (AVP) continuing to thrive as it had been when I left twelve years ago.  This kind of work for personal and community peace is so important in this environment.  Unfortunately, I did not find a thriving AVP community.  Instead, I learned that many of the facilitators stopped due to family commitments,  or jobs and some of the AVP facilitators were again asking for financial compensation to do workshops.  There are so many reasons why paying facilitators can't work.  The work of AVP needs to come from the heart - that changes when facilitators are paid.  Also,  AVP workshops are based on all participants being equals.  If someone is paid to be there than clearly they are not equal to those who are unpaid.  It is a great sorrow for me to find this.

I began a conversation with Inga Shumagia, the Executive Director at the Act for Transformation Caucuses office around the possibility of sending Young Friends from Baltimore Yearly Meeting and possibly New York Yearly Meeting to Georgia as interns and to possibly do an exchange with Georgian interns.  We were both excited about this possibility and I committed to starting the process by writing up my thoughts of how this might work.  After our conversation I found that Act for Transformation Caucuses office is struggling financially and I'm feeling that this sort of internship is not viable.

As I sit today.  It feels as if my work in Sakartvelo has come to an end.  I have been blessed by the many experiences and friends that have come my way in Sakartvelo.   Friends that I will continue to carry in my heart and in relationship.  I remind myself that, as this blog is called "Journey to Peace", the work is not only about the work in Sakartvelo.  The path to peace winds throughout our own communities, cities, states, country.  Long before this trip to Sakartvelo, I had been planning work in collaboration with the McKim School in Baltimore and I'm hoping to open conversations with local AVP facilitators to do community workshops.  But there is so much more to do beyond the work of AVP.

AVP is an incredible tool to help us to meet violence nonviolently.  Nonetheless, it feels almost more important at this time, to lift up our faith, the faith of Quakers everywhere, as an immersive faith.  As a way of being in the world for one and all.